Thank you so much for sharing your surivor story as well as your sister's. It's hard sometimes to think that cancer is a blessing, but you are right...it teaches us so many things...especially how to live. You are a living legacy of your sister. It sounds like you had a great support system, just like your sister did. May God bless you on your journey with cancer. You are a survivor and an inspiration to us all!!!
Amy
My story starts with on a road trip to Calgary with my older sister, it was Oct, 1996. She was twelve years older then me, at the time she was 48, and she was my mom, my sister and my best friend all rolled into one. We had the best time together, we could laugh untill we cried and we always managed to get lost on the road somewhere and have to phone someone to find us. We had a wonderful weekend and on the way home she casually said, I have to go to the hospital tomorrow, I have a syst that the doctors need to remove from my breast...you know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when something really bad is going to happen? Thats how I felt. Two years before she had found a lump and the drs said it was just a syst. I think I knew the moment she told me, she was going to die. I cried all night in my husbands arms and he kept saying Breast Cancer is the most cureable cancer there is, she is going to be fine. I went to the hosptial at 6:30 am the next day and I sat with my sister untill she went for her surgery, and I was waiting for her at 9pm that evening when she came out of surgery. The Doctors removed her left Breast, he came into her room and told her that he removed twenty lymphnoids and in his opinion she would have at least a stage III cancer. That day my sister started a courageous battle. We were a team against cancer, but nothing we did changed the outcome. Chemo was so hard on her, from the minute they hooked the IV into her arm she started throwing up and I was right beside her holding the pail and gaging with her, sometimes we could laugh about it most times we just got threw it. Within the year she had two more surgeries on the same side and her cancer matisized to her bones and she died early in 1998. I was her caregiver, I moved into her house and took care of her and yes we both had families but we needed each other. Her death left me angery, and in some ways bitter, extremely lonely and so sad. I started working two jobs and I did that for seven years, untill I was so physically exhausted and sick I had to slow down. I almost removed myself from my own families life. And I have to say I lived with alot of guilt because she was so sick and I couldn't help her. There were many times I used to think I wish I could die because I missed her so much. I was so angery after she died I removed myself from all contact with my other siblings. I had very few friends, not because I'm unlikeable but because I just didn't want to be around anyone. If someone did something I didn't like, I just cut them out of my life and I could do that with no remorse, if you can imagine.
Then on the Labour Day weekend 2008, I was doing my monthly breast exam and I found a lump in my left breast...that same sick feeling, I knew just touching it, it was going to be cancer. Sept 02nd my 48th birthday! I went to my Doctors office and said I think I might have found a lump. And he verified it, and reached under my arm and then said get dressed and come to my office. He told me I would need an emergency mamogram, and he contacted a surgeon for me. It was like walking under water the next day waiting for the mamogram place to call for an appointment. I told the ladies I coffeed with and the amazing thing was, I had coffee with seven women I was the baby of the group, the oldest one being 55, and Everyone of those women had found a lump at one time or another and they all told me their stories and I actually thought maybe it might not be cancer. I got called for my mamogram, the appointment was Sept 04th! I though holy someone must think this is bad. I went for my mamogram at 11am on Sept 04th they never asked me to stay for a biopsy so I took that as a good sign. I went back to work and was in meetings for the rest of the day. At 4pm I went back to my office and there were messages on both my cell and work phone. My Dr's office called and said we are waiting her for you please come right after work, so I called my husband and we went in. The Dr said there is no easy way to say this so I'm just going to tell you. The mass is coming back cancer. I said how can they tell without a biopsy? He said because of the shape, it consistant with a cancer because it has tenticles. My husband was crying, I said ok we need to get this breast off fast! my sister died within fourteen months of being diagnosed, this cancer is going to move fast! I took my husbands hand I couldn't say that it was going to be ok because in my mind if they could spot this on the mamogram and it had tenticles it was huge! And I thought I'm going to die, and in that split second I thought what in hell! I don't want to die! I want to live. That was my first change!
I have to say there must have been an angel on my shoulder, because Sept 04th I was diagnosed, Sept 09th I met my surgeon, and was told it would be up to 3 month wait to get the next tests I need to have done before surgery. I was back in my Surgeon's office by Sept 15th all tests complete! My surgery was scheduled for Oct 09th and I had a full mastecomy of my left breast. It all happened so very fast! I have three daughters, and I was so scared but I couldn't let them know how scared I was, I needed them to know that I was really ok with everything. My youngest daughter came to me with forms for the CIBC Run for a Cure and asked me to walk with her for this fundraiser. Of course I agreed right away and then we planned a fundraiser for Oct 03rd the night before the run. We had a Bye Bye Boobie Party, and I invited seventy ladies to a little hall had appetizers and we sang songs, read poems and told dirty jokes. We wore fake boobies and had a boobie tree. We had a wonderful lunch and lots of drinks. I was amazed they were all there for me! The owner of that restaurant said to me after the evening was over, that she had never felt so much love in a room. It was wonderful, those ladies laughed and cried with me. They roasted me and wrote songs about me and they toasted my courage in the face of this storm, and I was amazed. Because I didn't see the courage they saw I only seen the war I had to fight, and that night gave me the strength to do it. And without a doubt I knew I wanted to Live!
The days passed very quickly and it was the day before my surgery, I had been putting one thing off long enough. That afternoon I called siblings. My oldest sister and I cried together she told me she loved me and she wasn't angry with me at all. She was just glad I had called. My brother was the same he just wanted to be part of my life and was so releaved that I wanted him to be. I had made my amends with all the people I truely loved but was too afraid to get close to, because I don't think I could stand to loose anyone else.
The surgery was successful, however I had a fall the night of the surgery and a large blood clot formed under the insision. The surgeon had to open the insision and rinse the clott out, that left a gapping hole that was 11.5 centimeters across my chest, and 4 cm deep! It took 7 months to heal that insision. Everytime I had chemo it broke open, I had to go and get it packed everyday. Finally when the chemo was over I went back to the surgeon had another operation and she closed it up for good. My chemo was ok I had 4 rounds and although I wouldn't wish that on my enemies, it wasn't as bad as what my sister went through. I was diagnosed with Invisive Ductal Carsinoma, it was a stage one cancer, but it was a grade three cancer, and I am HER2 positive, which means I continue treatments for a year after the chemo is over. I go every three weeks to the cancer clinic and I get a drug called Herceptin that works agains the cloning cell HER2. Unfortunately I am alergic to this drug! So it is harder on me then the chemo was. What is supposed to be a walk in the park has turned out to be a bit of a crawl. But the good news is I only have 11 more treatments!
So after this lengthy story, I have come full circle. Cancer started off taking away someone so important to me, changing my personailty and my outlook on life. It filled me with fear and loss, in my mind it took my family away from me. I became lonely and angry and in ways I had stopped living. Cancer ended up giving me back my life. Once I was diagnosed I realized how important life is. How much I wanted live, how much I loved my imediate family as well as how much my extended family means to me. It made me realize that harboring anger and remorse gets you no where. You get back what we put out in life. I now am greatful for everyday that is given to me. I take the present I open it each day and I enjoy it to the fullest. I'm so Thankful that I found my cancer early and I'm so amazed at how much people care for me, and how supportive they have all been. Most importantly, the guilt I felt about my sister is gone. I have now walked in her shoes, I know that its just the grace of god if you get to stay a little longer or go home a little sooner. Now don't get me wrong! I'm not glad I had cancer or anything like that, I've just learned from the experience I've had.
Thank you
Linda
ps please forgive my spelling I can't get spell check to work!
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