Toni's Inspiring Story of Faith & Survival

Toni, a fellow MD Anderson patient, has gained a lot of wisdom through her cancer experience and years. She has a strong faith in God and has learned to put her trust in Him. Her story is sure to inspire any of you going through a diagnosis or treatment of breast cancer.

My survival story

My name is Toni and I am a SURVIVOR! My story is probably not unique or different than many others but hopefully it will help someone else get through the process of treating the way that other survivors have helped me. Just prior to finding my lump, I had had a new premature grandbaby that I was helping raise, she was so small and fragile when she was born that I made lots of "deals" with God during her stay in the hospital. I was busy working full time in my private practice as an attorney, adjusting to being a Grandma and doing what I could to help my daughter get on her feet.

Soon after that my other daughter had a seizure in my presence and it was determined that she had a cyst in her brain. The cyst was causing her seizures and was in a place where it was not operable. Again, I began bargaining with God. "Please God, she is just starting her life and has so much living left to do, please take this away from her and give it to me, What ever you ask of me or give to me I will gladly bear it, just don't let this affect her life."

Soon after that I found my lump, and instinctively knew this was going to be my test. It was time to pay the piper so to speak. And as I expected it was cancer. I was facing the biggest fear of my life. I was always so afraid of getting cancer especially breast cancer. Suddenly, I was faced with the possibilities of losing everything that made me feminine and womanly, my breasts and my hair. Yeah, I know the hair grows back but . . . in the meantime, you still have to go around bald. And OK I did not want to go through treatment and whine around and look like a big baby. How was I going to handle cancer. Would I be able to handle it with dignity and grace or would I be a whiner??? And, there was the deal I had made with God about "gladly bearing" whatever he wanted to toss at me. Could I hold up my end of the bargain? How in the heck could I be glad about cancer. Ok God, I know I said I would gladly bear it but really do I have to be glad? Oh ,by the way, I did put one condition on God, He had to talk me through it. I had to have clear cut messages from him that he was with me holding me in his arms every step of the way.

Thus began my journey down the rocky path of breast cancer. My biggest concern throughout treatment was how it would affect my family, particularly my father because his health was not the greatest, and I knew my kids were scared too. In more ways than one my concern over the effects my health was having on my family made me stronger, or appear so anyway. I guess it was a "fake it until you make it" situation. The more I pretended that life was normal the less likely I was to let the cancer take control of my life. I was determined throughout to not let cancer run or ruin my life. I continued to get dressed every day and go to work. Often times I would have to make a pallet and rest on the floor but I made it to work. My colleagues were tremendous, offering to cover for me when I had to attend doctors appointments or just did not feel well enough to go to court. Oh, and the messages from God? Got them Loud and strong. Regularly. So much so that I could not possibly tell them all here.

Being an attorney and accustomed to research, I started out researching and reading everything I could about breast cancer , treatment options and of course mastectomies and reconstruction. I found the information out there to be somewhat frightening. The pictures I saw made me cringe. OH God am I really gonna look like that??? I soon decided that I would go against my nature and quit researching anything but where and how I wanted to approach treatment. I wanted thing to be different for me. Fortunately, I was directed to MD Anderson in Houston and found not only a wonderful hospital and very qualified doctors and staff, but what I found there which was more important than all the medicine in the world was the air of hope! The people there all the way from the valet parking attendants to the doctors and surgeons are so upbeat and positive, you cannot help but catch the spirit! That infectious attitude kept me going and in turn kept my family reassured that I would be OK. Additionally, at a teaching hospital you have an opportunity to participate in test study groups and I was encouraged in my own treatment by knowing that I would in some way help my daughters and granddaughter and the women who came after me even if it was a failure, the test study results would help others who came after me. I took great pride in participating in those groups. As silly as it sounds I wanted so much for the study to be a great success I almost willed myself to get better. The results were positive! My study was a combination of chemotherapy drugs which had not been used to treat breast cancer before. The treatment was done prior to surgery to see the effects on the tumor. In 12 weeks my 2 1/2 cm tumor reduced in size to .7 cm. After another 12 weeks of traditional chemo the tumor reduced to such a minuscule amount that the surgeon had to place a marker at the tumor site to be able to find it to remove it. I chose a segmental mastectomy instead of a radical because of the success of the medication. This did require additional treatment in the form of radiation but I felt it was a small price to pay under the circumstances.

I had a friend that just prior to my diagnosis was training and raising money for the Susan G. Komen 3-day walk and I told her she had a renewed purpose because she was walking for me. I was even able to go down for closing ceremonies which was ironically exactly the half way mark in my treatment. Seeing all the survivors walking in the walk arm in arm with their shoes held proudly overhead made me realize that I was truly not alone and that there was life after cancer treatment. In my chemo induced fog, I just marveled at how "normal" these women looked! I vowed at that moment that I would walk in the next three day walk and began training while I was still treating. Not much but I began walking and doing some Yoga.

I think that the theme throughout my story is that even though you are feeling like crap, it is your current reality and you should not quit living with purpose just because you are treating for cancer. Live with a purpose! Get well! and Blaze a trail for others coming after you.

Today, I have a happy healthy two year old granddaughter who is the light of my life. My daughter who was diagnose with the cyst has graduated from college and is now moving on to work in her field, and I am happy and healthy and continuing on with my life.

Strange as it sounds, Cancer has a certain strange beauty about it. Not the cancer itself but the experience you gain during treatment. While I would never want to go through it again, I felt truly blessed through the experience. I met survivors down my path that shared their stories of survival with me, sisters that truly understood what I was going through. I was blessed to add many friends to my life. And I gained a knowledge of my strength that I never would have known had I not had the experience. So, for anyone reading this that is currently treating I would say, Don't look back, don't look ahead, just be in the moment and get through it the best way you can and take comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone. Your sisters have paved the way for you and are here to hold your hand and comfort you along your journey.

Much love and good health,
Toni C.