We're allowed to have pity parties!!!

Writing is therapeutic in the journey with cancer. We all have good days and bad days. Pity parties are allowed. This is not an easy disease to fight. We appreciate your authenticity in your story to us.

Amy

Hello....
I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer & had a double mastectomy on September 1st. The pain of reconstruction is above anything I have imagined. I am going through the weekly injections or as I refer to it as my "fill ur up" injections and will be starting my Chemo on Wednesday and then Radiation treatments. Each day I wake up thinking this was just a horrible dream that went on and on.
Acceptance? Denial? Yep, that is my daily battle. Face this full boar, or cry all day. Yep, that has been happening also. Happy one minute that this has been diagnosed early yet, why why why me?? The different feelings are amazing...the other day I wanted to pick up everything in my house and throw it...and I mean throw it through every and all windows in my house.
In the last 18 months I have had a series of bad luck. First of all, I had 3 back surgeries within a year, during that time, our house was burglarized (my brand new car stolen & totaled) and all the priceless family jewelry gone! Then I lost my job & medical insurance. No cobra because in Arizona if you have less than 25 employees you are not required to have it. Seeking private insurance with back problems is disastrous to say the least. I now have insurance with the monthly payment of $1,486.00 and as of November 1st it kicks up to over $1,700. And during all this, I quit smoking. My surgeon instructed me to do so ~ it was hindering my back fusing back together. I feel like a saint here on earth..no smoking and don't drink...okay I do, Coke-a-holic. Now the day the doctors tell me I cannot have my can of Coke every day is when I will go postal!
And then the icing on cake breast cancer. Surely I must be living under the black cloud.
Oh yes, I have all the support, love, understanding and patience from all my family and friends. This is the time in ones life that you know who you can count on and who really is a friend. I have had people call, write, come to the house, send me cards & gifts, bringing me home made soups, ladies walking for me at the cancer walks, offerings of assistance to take me to doctor appointments or just to get out of the house. I am just blown away. With all the support that has been offered to me, why oh why do I feel so completely alone!! The feeling of dispare (did I spell that correctly??) overwhelms me at times...like late at night..when all you have is your thoughts. The silence of it all!
I am sitting here at my very own Pity Party. Saw your ad encouraging women to write to you with their story. My story sucks and frankly I think I need a violin and a box of Kleenex to make this story even more depressing. But I know, that there are other stories that are worse than mine and in fact my story is more like a "big deal" or a "so" type of tale, but nevertheless, I do feel better writing to you. Ooops, did I go over the amount of words that you had asked for?? Sorry if I did, but I have a lot to say and obviously I am not shy about sharing it. I like to write, people seem to think I have a way of saying things even though bad, seem comical.
I do appreciate you taking the time to read this; but I hope it did not bore you. It has been very therapeutic for me. Thank you for letting me vent....it does make me feel better.
You are doing a wonderful job ~ please continue to do so.
B. A.