Lucy D's Essay on Chemotherapy

My name is Jeannie (or Lucy as most people call me). I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in May of 2005. After surgery and a year of treatments I decided to quit my job and go back to school. In English class we were asked to take a word and write an essay of why your definition of the word is different from that in the dictionary. My story is attached.

The Chemo Emotion

The American Heritage Dictionary defines chemotherapy as “the treatment of cancer and other diseases using specific chemical agents or drugs.” This definition, though clear-cut and concise, fails to communicate the overabundance of physical and emotional side effects that accompany chemotherapy. Excessive nausea, lack of sleep, a wholesale distaste for food, and extreme emotional turmoil are just a few examples among the many. I found the treatment to be far worse than the disease itself. My life as I once knew it was literally turned upside down. I experienced a nightmare all in exchange for the possibility of an extended future. It is for these reasons and more that I find the definition of chemotherapy as set forth above to be so remarkably inadequate.
There are a plethora of chemotherapy drugs and, consequently, a tantamount of combinations of these drugs. When determining the proper treatment the doctor will consider the type of cancer, how far it has spread, and the patient’s health. My chemotherapy treatments consisted of three drugs which I received intravenously every third Tuesday for six months. Each session lasted anywhere from three to five hours. To ensure my blood cell count was within normal range, blood work and a booster shot was vital to each treatment. After a few sessions, with arms sore from needles, I became sick just from the smell of the chemo room. There was a feeling of anxiousness that filled the days prior to my treatments while the week following was filled with tears, nausea and depression. I would cling to my one week of normalcy.
There are numerous pamphlets, binders, and other materials which explicate the many side effects of chemotherapy. Nowhere is it written that there is an emotion to be experienced unlike any other. This emotion triggers feelings of pain, fear and helplessness. Life is full of emotions. When we experience an extreme or unexpected emotion it causes great distress. In normal life situations we need only relate this feeling or emotion to something familiar in order to find comfort. The chemo emotion has nothing to relate to. There is no familiarity, therefore, no comfort. And, though you may be surrounded by loved ones, the emotion leaves you feeling weak, scared and lonely.
Chemotherapy will bring tears! A sad story or song, tender words from a loved one have brought each of us to tears at some time in our life. My brother, and one of my closest friends, will say “you made my face leak”. I would feel the tears running down my face and found myself frantically searching for “why?” One particular night after chemo, listening to soft music to help myself sleep, I felt the tears. I laid there sobbing, needing help, needing to be held. I somehow found myself in the middle of the hallway blurting out my husband’s name. He held me throughout the night, through cycles of tears and calm. It is amazing how strong your circle of support can be. This becomes extremely evident during an illness. Although the offers for support were endless, acceptance meant admitting vulnerability. As difficult as it was to finally let someone in, I found this to be beneficial for all involved.
A year later I am still working through the emotions brought upon by chemotherapy. I sometimes wonder had I named the emotion if I would have found the comfort. Although this writing is meant to be informational, for me it is somewhat therapeutic. I have discovered some positive effects to the experience. Here I am back in school getting my degree. Although I still find it somewhat arduous, I’ve learned to ask for help and realize how gratifying it can be for me and for those who are there to support me. I’ve learned to “stop and smell the roses”. Life is much too short to let the little things get in the way.
On July 18, 2005 I said “I will never do chemo”. I can never recover the time lost throughout my treatments. Through the pain, fear and loneliness I’ve learned a lot. Today I say to you “I will never do chemo”.