Hanging in there

Not been the best couple of weeks...

Still having pain behind knee.  As long as I do virtually no activity, I feel good.  Any time on my feet causes pain.  I am not doing well with this!  I am usually on the go and active.  I haven't exercised in months, so have gained weight and am seriously deconditioned.  I thought being home over the holidays and being able to take it easy while the kids were still off from school would be good, but it hasn't been good for my psyche.  Saw orthopedist at MDA who confirmed Baker's cyst from ultrasound report, but could see nothing on my knee x-ray that would cause the cyst (which I figured, because I'm not having any knee problems.)  So he ordered more tests:  MRI of the lumbosacral spines, MRI of right leg, and x-ray of right femur.  I've only had the MRI of the spine so far.  The others had to be rescheduled because when they were scheduled, Danny was out of town on a church youth trip.  Everything is delayed now, so I won't have the complete results and follow-up visit with the doctor for a couple more weeks.  I had a horrible initial visit with the ortho doc, so the other issue that is delaying everything is my report to the Patient Advocacy Department and a physician change request.  Uggh, long story, I'll explain later.  Very much NOT like my usual MD Anderson visits.  Oh I'm such a bad patient!

One good thing, yet bad thing, about the mymdanderson website, is that you can log in and view your medical record online.  Seven days after having any test done, you can see the report.  Generally, when I have anything done, I am seeing my doctor to get the results within that 7-day period.  But because of the ortho issue mentioned above, it's been 7+ days since my spine MRI and my doctor appointment is still a ways away.  So I looked.  I probably shouldn't have.  Of course I've always known of my bone mets to the spine from my frequent CT scans.  But the MRI report sounds awful!  Any time you start reading "widespread metastatic disease to the lumbosacral spine and posterior [bilateral] ilia," you know it can't be good.  It was very upsetting, to say the least.  I'm on chemo, but is this a new development or has it always been there, just not seen so well on my previous CT scans?  Being that I've never had an MRI of the spine, there isn't anything from my past record that can be compared to it.  Fortunately I did have an appointment with Dr. Coscio, my breast cancer oncologist, as a chemo check-in.  She made me feel a whole lot better about the MRI findings.  She showed me that the mets documented on the MRI were previously seen on the CT scans, just not in such detailed, high resolution as the MRI shows.  And also, even the documented issues in the spine and ilia do not explain the leg pain.  So, still no explanation for that.  Not time for a treatment change, yet.  Scheduled to have all my regular CT's, chest x-ray and labwork in February.  Other than my leg discomfort, I am feeling pretty good physically.  Passing my lung self-test!  Not expecting any changes in the chest department.

Mentally, though, is another story.  I think I have serious chemobrain, or else serious psychological and emotional issues.  Maybe both!  I can't remember anything anymore.  It's like I'm in a fog.  And I don't sleep well.  Don't feel like doing anything.  Danny says it's been difficult communicating with me.  And we're having trouble getting along.  I'm not nice.  Just what a cancer patient needs, is a troubled marriage, right?  It's a pretty sucky position to be in, but we are working through it.  Praying a lot, just taking it day by day.  We wouldn't have lasted over 20 years without getting through some ups and downs.  Hopefully this, too, shall pass.