If I'm Going to Have Brain Mets, It May as Well Be Small

It's 10:30 p.m.  It may as well be the middle of the night, because normally at this time I am in bed and on my way to dreamville.  Tonight, however, I'm supposed to make myself "sleep deprived" in preparation for my EEG which is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 11:00.  Why I have to be sleep-deprived for an EEG, I don't know.  My plan was to go to bed around 9-ish and sleep til around 12-ish, then get up and stay up until my test, an electroencephalogram.  I really don't know what (in the world) made me think I could actually FALL asleep at 9-ish, as my usual routine is to GO to bed at 10-ish and then read, play Words with Friends, and catch up on Facebook until I'm good and sleepy.  It appears that the simple fact that I NEEDED to fall asleep has made sleepiness all the more elusive!  I thought that this overnight period of sleep deprivation would be a good time to update this blog.  It is, but just thinking about what I'm going to blog kept me awake in bed.  That, and remodeling plans for every area of our home.  Oh and fantasizing about having Chip & Joanna Gaines come by to share with me their amazing "Fixer Upper" style ideas and expertise.  What is WRONG with you, Kim??  Too much HGTV-watching, for sure.  Seriously, though, should I ever win the lottery, I really do have it all worked out.  I'll open up the kitchen, totally re-do both the master and upstairs baths, perhaps add more gameroom upstairs, and add deck & patio to our outdoor space.  A girl can dream, can't she?

Ahh, OK, back to reality.  Tomorrow is my neurology consult at MD Anderson's main campus downtown.  I'll have an EEG and then I'll see the neuro-oncologist.  These appointments were added to my schedule after I had a grand mal seizure on July 4th.  The last time I saw a neurologist, it was to evaluate severe chemotherapy-induced peripheral neuropathy.  I have that going on too, though not yet as severe as when I was last seen.

Last week, I saw my radiation oncologist.  I hate that I actually HAVE one of those.  Now that I've had time to really process my conversation with her, I've concluded that my brain mets (again, hate) could really be SO much worse.  The doc was like "it's a very small spot ... we could just watch and wait and see."  Yea, no.  But she really has me convinced that it's not that bad.  For one, it's just one spot.  As opposed to "multiple" lesions, am I right?  Two, it's only 4-5 MILLIMETERS in diameter.  That's pretty darn small.  And three, she does not believe that said lesion is the cause of my seizure.  It's too small, there's no swelling of surrounding tissue, and its location on the frontal lobe does not lend itself to causing seizures (a temporal lobe lesion would be more likely to be the culprit.)  I have to admit that #3 is a doozy.  Alrighty then, what DID cause the seizure??  Perhaps it happened so that the lesion would be discovered and hence treated EARLY, before it had time to grow and multiply and cause other problems??  I know God could do this, but I would have preferred a nice note or kind message of some kind ... not a big scary seizure which carries with it the threat of happening again at any time and in any place.  Yea, lots of questions for my God when I meet Him in Heaven.  Lots.

I'm also scheduled for Gamma Knife Radiation (should that be capitalized?  I'm thinking yes, it's that serious) on August 10th.  I'll meet the neurosurgeon on the 8th, because he will be placing the wire "frame" that will be used to guide the Gamma Knife on the day of the procedure.  This is the frame that will be attached to my skull in 3 or 4 places.  You'd think I would know if it was 3 or 4 ... I guess the mind turns to jelly after you hear that screws will be attached to your skull!  Like Frankenstein.  But the radiation onc assured me that it's not as bad as it sounds.  I'm told there will be sedation, and for that, I can be thankful.  I was also thankful to find out that my Gamma Knife treatment will be a one-time thing, not several days of treatment like my previous two experiences with radiation.  And, I'll be able to continue on my regular chemotherapy schedule, too.  Oh boy!  That's me, not missing a beat.

So ... as the dust is settling from the seizure a couple weeks ago, and my appointment schedule has filled even more, as if weekly chemo wasn't enough to do, I have continued on Taxotere.  Yes the side effects are greatly improved with the lower, weekly regimen (as compared to the higher, every-three-weeks regimen,) but I am still hating it.  Something about it elevates its status to the "worst chemo I've ever been on."  That's saying something!  Actually there is a cluster of drugs that are all near the top of my worst chemos ... all for totally different reasons ... but overall the Taxotere has SO MANY bad qualities and side effects that I'm calling it the worst of the worst.  Have I said how much I hate Taxotere??