Feeling blahhhh

I know it's normal to feel blah sometimes -- for cancer patients and non-cancer-patients alike!  Just venting here...

I am sick sick sick of having to live within arm's reach of a tissue box.  [OK I just checked and I see that I haven't before mentioned this issue on my blog -- here goes]  My nose runs CONSTANTLY since I've been on Abraxane.  Clear water (with the occasional blood-tinge.)  It literally DRIPS out without my consent and at times, without my knowledge!  Everywhere I go, I have to make sure I have tissues on my person, always.  I have to be well-stocked on Kleenex or Puffs at my desk, in my kitchen, in my car, in my purse, and in my pocket.  When it first started, I thought it was allergies, so I tried all the OTC allergy meds.  Nothing.  Zero improvement.  My face and eyes seem a little puffy, as well, as evidenced by the fact that all of my previously wearable sunglasses make creases in my cheeks.  Although this could be because I've gained weight, which is another animal altogether.  :(((  I mentioned the nose running to my doctor, long ago, and she said "I know it seems counter-intuitive, but it's caused by dryness in the nasal membranes."  Seeming counter-intuitive just might qualify as the understatement of the year!  She suggested that I try saline nasal spray.  I said "ewwwwkayyyy" and later told Danny that that was the most absurd thing I had ever heard.  I've got nothing BUT moisture in there.  An over-abundance.

Well, after several months of embarrassing, public, nasal drip-outs, I finally decided to try a saline nasal spray.  Guess what happened.  It just simply ran out of my nose.  Instantly.  Gahhhhh!  Here is yet another symptom, of which I've had several over the years, that I tell the doctor and it's like she's never ever had any other patient with that same complaint.  And yet I hear other patients speak of the same problem.  Case in point:  during a recent waiting room wait, I heard another patient complain of her nose dripping/running.  I felt so redeemed!  See!  I'm not crazy!  There is an online "advanced breast cancer" community where we stage IV fighters can converse on our shared problems.  Maybe the doctors need to read those sometimes.

And the other thing that's got me down, is that I still can't seem to come to terms with how I look.  Bald, with no eyebrows or eyelashes.  A woman is not supposed  to look like this.  Even with hats, it looks abnormal.  I never feel like I look good.  And even when I think I do, I later see photos of myself and am shocked to see how awful I look.  Also, I feel like I am aging at an extremely accelerated pace.  I look like a little old lady.  More and more wrinkles, by the day!  Hate it!!!  All my life, I've been blessed with good skin, and always looking younger than my age.  Now I look older than my forty-something years.  Very depressing.  The baldness, the oldness, PLUS the 10-15 pounds weight gain = I am quite a sight!

Although I am still able to care for my family, and I do try to focus on the positives and the things I CAN do, sometimes I wallow and can only think of the bad.  Guess I'm only human.  There are so many LITTLE things though.  My nails are coming off my fingers and toes.  The constant nose running.  The weight gain, which my doctor says is a result of the chemo slowing my metabolism.  The leg pain which still exists when I'm the least bit active (although it has improved.)  The eye irritation/dryness and sometimes over-watering.  The mouth sores (I have 2 large ones, right now.)  The constipation.  The neuropathy symptoms, which come and go (I can't even bring myself to mention here the latest on that front.)

Now that I've gotten all this out, I am able to think of many, many side effects that I'm glad I DON'T have -- which is helping to lift me out of this funk.  I'm not puking.  I'm not bedridden.  I don't have brain mets.  I can still walk and visit family and see my kids' activities.  God is with me and clearly is not finished with me yet.