Improvements and Struggles

When Dr. C first offered Taxotere as my next treatment option, she said there was a once-every-three-weeks regimen and also a lower dose, once-weekly option.  I initially opted for the every three week schedule.  However, after having such a rough go of it, and honestly wanting to quit it altogether due to the sucky side effects, I reluctantly agreed to try the lower-dose, weekly option:  Three weeks on, then one week off.  This week I received the third infusion of the first 3-week cycle, and I can honestly say, the side effects are MUCH kinder on this lower dose!  Woohoo!!  I'm not having the bone & joint pain, or the teeth pain.  I'm not having the gastrointestinal issues (nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, indigestion) I was having before on the higher dose.  Yayyyy!!

I still do have fatigue.  I still do get the face rash.  I am still dealing with progressive neuropathy causing numbness and weakness in my extremities.  But at least I can be a little more active around the house and I'm not just laying around, SICK!  This is a huge improvement, and for that, I am truly thankful.

Despite all of this, and let's not forget the super duper scan results that prove that Taxotere IS working on my cancer, I'm really struggling with maintaining my "things could always be worse" philosophy.  Although I KNOW in my HEAD that I could be SO MUCH WORSE off, side-effect-wise, the absolute worst issue I'm dealing with right now is the inability to taste food.  My tongue has a metallicy-taste and it feels numb.  I can still taste a little sweetness and little hints of flavor in some things, but most foods have no taste at all.  I've been hitting the BlueBell and Ben & Jerry's, oh and some cookie dough ... and cookies ... and snowballs, but a girl can't live on sweets alone.  Well, she could, but you know, there's the obvious nutrition issue.  So, I've also been eating other things like proteiny and vegetably type things, just to get it in, but it's thoroughly NOT enjoyable!  What fun is that??

I had another bout of oral thrush, and I'm aware that that condition also causes alteration in the taste sensation.  I was thinking (overanalysing, actually) that perhaps it could be a chronic thing because my white counts are really low (all chemo's are so different ... Carbo/Gem wiped out my red cells; Taxotere is wreaking havoc on my white cells.)  I had taken Diflucan (oral treatment for thrush) with the first bout and it worked well, and quickly.  However it didn't seem to work as well for this bout, and I even stayed on it for a few days to test out my theory on it being mild yet somewhat chronic.  Ohh, the pain of thinking too much about everything!

No taste ... It's bad enough to get me thinking that I (still) don't want to go on like this, on Taxotere.  And reading more about it ... again, probably a bad idea ... but one article said that it sometimes takes months or up to a year for a patient's taste to return to normal, and that's AFTER stopping Taxotere!  Ummm ... No, no, and NO!!!

The struggle is real, and I'm not just saying that to be funny.  I have to grapple with this question:  Is this "quality of life" issue worthy of discontinuing Taxotere even though it's keeping my cancer at bay?  While I'm IN the battle, the answer is yes.  I want to taste my foooooooood!  If I'm able to step back and look at it rationally (which is really difficult,) it would seem a small price to pay to stay alive.  Right?  Yea, easy for YOU to say!  Prayers, please!  These are really needed.  I can't seem to get my mind off of how horrible it is that I can't taste anything.  It's pretty much consuming me, no lie.

With that said, I'm going to leave you with some pictures of some happy, more upbeat aspects of my life.  Perhaps sharing and discussing them will help me to focus more on the positive!

Me & Bethany on my chemo day @ MDA.

Although she is "officially" a licensed driver now, Bethany's on a mom-imposed 2-month probationary driving period.  Long story, but I will say that we've been spending a lot of time in the car together and she is improving day by day.  She has accompanied me a couple of times now to MD Anderson for my chemo appointment.  Love my pretty girl.

My single Hibiscus flower.  I have two plants that were given to me but were somehow neglected for quite some time. In my efforts to resuscitate them, they needed a pruning which in retrospect was probably done too late in the season, so I'm thinking that's why we've had no blooms ... til this one!

Duranta "Sapphire Showers"

Forgive me if I've already posted a shot of these beauties that are in my front garden.  Not loving how the plant grows (tall but not strong enough to stand alone, so it droops ... probably not getting enough sun,) but who can't love the rich, purple blooms?!  Ahhh.

New patio furniture!  Have had my eye on these for quite some time, and finally, they went on sale for a great price and with 12-month interest-free financing.  Woot!  They fit perfectly on my tiny back patio, right under the ceiling fan.

Interesting story, here!  We had to drive to Lufkin, Texas, almost 2 hours from home, to pick up the new patio furniture.  Believe it or not, there is not a similar patio set to be found anywhere but K-Mart.  The nearest K-Mart to us is in Lufkin!  Along the drive on a Sunday evening, we got stuck in a traffic jam caused by a stop light outage in a very small town.  This guy, "Dogg" honked me and this is what I saw when I looked over.  Sweet!  There is hope for this world, yet.

This is my front porch, slightly reconfigured.  The little bench shown here had to be relocated from the back patio to make room for the new furniture pieces shown above.  I think the front looks darn cute now!

Okay, this is rather lame, I know.  Just a little pot 'o' fresh herbs.  It's the little things that can mean a lot on the happiness front, know what I mean?

Bethany and I attended a survivor celebration put on by MD Anderson yesterday.  16 years as a cancer survivor -- Go me!